“The TV Giveaway” (Among Us Mortals, 1/3/1954)

“The TV Giveaway” (Among Us Mortals, 1/3/1954)
by W.E. (William Ely) Hill (1887-1962)
18.5 x 15 in., ink on board
Coppola Collection

W.E. (William Ely) Hill (1887-1962) was known for his masterful black and white Sunday page, “Among Us Mortals,” sometimes referred to as the Hill Page.

From this January 3, 1954 edition, titled “The TV Giveaway” some quotes:

“It’s not for herself that she’s a guest on the “agony” program; she’s here to tell about a brave little wife whose husband has left her, and whose nine children all have suicidal tendencies. Two of them tried to jump under a subway train and need plastic surgery.”

“Radio and TV editor is suffering through one of those true-life giveaway shows, peopled by selected hard luck guests. He’s going to treat it harshly in his column.”

The “agony aunt” genre is basically Dear Abby.

As outlined in “Never Kiss a Man in a Canoe: Words of Wisdom from the Golden Age of Agony Aunts” (Tanith Carey, 2009): In 1691, a 32-year-old man called John Dunton was having an affair and realized there was no one he could ask for advice about it without revealing his identity. Most of us would have shrugged and struggled on, but in Dunton, a printer and bookseller, the entrepreneurial as well as adulterous spirit was strong. Realizing his dilemma could not be unique, he launched the Athenian Gazette and opened its pages to the readers. Thus: the first agony column – and interactive magazine – was born.

It proved so popular that Dunton had to do what many advice columnists would do after him and hire writers (of both sexes) to help him. One of them was that infamous pen-for-hire Daniel Defoe, who in 1704 started up the Review and became its “agony uncle”. More and more publications warmed to this natty device – which attracted readers while getting them to do half the work of filling up pages. By the 1740s, however, female advisers had come to the fore.

The pre-Victorian agony aunts and uncles could be surprisingly liberal and outspoken. Dunton once advised a woman fearing a lonely old age to get herself down to the docks when the fleet was in and hook a sex-starved sailor. Nothing simpler.

Keeping up with the media, these programs moved from print to radio to TV. I guess the only difference between these shows and Jerry Springer is that people would take out their most lurid moments for their 15 minutes of fame rather than a prize.

In honor of the covid-19 death of John Prine, a favorite from my youth: the 1973 song “Dear Abby” (this song still cracks me up… go find it, the performance is priceless):

Dear Abby, dear Abby
My feet are too long
My hair’s falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I’ve no friends at all
Won’t you write me a letter, won’t you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered
You have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy
You have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby
You won’t believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it’s all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker
You have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married just married
You have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Signed dear Abby

(and if you like that, check out “Please Don’t Bury Me” from the same album)