the knowing
*content warning: mention of suicidal ideation
I the lamp hangs swaying — my father seeks cover in bedsheets on the couch and it reeks in here. I love him and it reeks in here — of murky waters of bread of I tried but couldn’t of dampness of clothes — II my feet ache through a hallway — he doesn’t believe in fitting, when I was four he bought me clothes for a ten year old, he doesn’t fathom I need clean underwear each day now — I, the laundromat in a castle, his house of no — III crusted counters are flat enough still carry plastic plates perfectly stacked still, born are the plagues, the why would I if I’m not planning on staying, the mice, the internal wailing of it all — I play daughter. make room next to him, make room for comfort, make room for quiet and Animal Planet, make room. the lamp is swaying still and stares at us. The World’s Deadliest Animals and the iPad he’s turned towards — the lit up frame of a suicide yes or no Google search, make room for this and forget about pythons. IV laundromat brake-room, yes he is still breathing and does not know I am watching my father asks me if I love him still — asks me if I want him dead, he is breathing and what to say to such a thing when it reeks in here.
Zea Pippi Lotte van der Elsken (1999) was born and raised in Amsterdam and currently lives and works in San Diego, California. She holds a BA in Photography from the Royal Academy of Art and is currently enrolled in the MFA Poetry program at SDSU. Her non-fiction writing has been published in multiple Dutch papers including a full feature article in Focus Magazine. Her poetry has been published by Pineapple Road Press.