Lindsay Adkins
with watercolors.
Nurse Dawn asks if I paint
and no, I do not
but you have designated 2 pm
as arts and crafts time, Dawn,
so yes, I am saying yes
and I am trying to paint
my daughter from memory,
since you do not allow phones up here
and I can’t look at the picture of her
I want to recreate, somehow,
with water and color and paper
which should be enough to make a human,
I’ve made one with much less, Dawn,
but no, it isn’t enough
but yes, I am trying,
trying to paint my daughter,
since I can have just one visitor a day
and she can’t very well walk
up here on her own, Dawn,
she doesn’t know what walking
is or even what moving
is though we’ve been trying
to do more tummy time,
but no, she doesn’t like it,
she wails like a fisher cat, Dawn,
so you tell me what to try besides trying
because I am trying, I am
trying to paint my daughter
because I don’t want her up here anyway, Dawn,
I mean she shouldn’t move between
these walls is what I’m saying,
her brain doesn’t cause her trouble
yet, so I am trying to paint her,
just paint her,
and I don’t know what I’m thinking
or if I’m hoping someone will tell me
it’s good or something,
like what am I expecting, Dawn?
One day I’ll take this painting,
show it to my daughter
in a slant of afternoon light
and say Yes, mommy was in the psych ward
but no, she didn’t forget about you
and we’ll hang it on the wall
then go eat cookies, Dawn?
What do you think?
What do you say?
Because I am trying to paint my daughter
but I’m thinking some things can’t be painted,
they can only be held
and no, my arms are not holding
her but still I cannot put her down
long enough to paint the droop of her ear,
the shock of hair at her neck,
the arrow of her upper lip that matches mine,
but yes, I am trying,
I am trying to paint my daughter
and hold her at the same time
and I have never felt more
like a child.
Lindsay Adkins is a writer from Western Massachusetts whose work has appeared in Electric Lit, Narrative, Tinderbox Poetry Journal, great weather for MEDIA, Frontier Poetry, Literary Mama, and others. Her chapbook, Fixing the Halo, was a semifinalist for the Button Poetry Chapbook Contest and was published by Meat for Tea Press. She is a recipient of the Amy Award from Poets & Writers and holds an MFA from Stony Brook Southampton.