By Connor Zahler
MORNING COFFEE
Remember that time when your friend who sleeps the least kept talking about a cool new drink at Panera? Of course you do! That drink, Panera’s own Charged Lemonade, has been in the news again after being linked to two deaths. You see, 30 ounces of Charged Lemonade contains 237mg of caffeine (although the store materials previously listed it was around 390mg), which will get you over the recommended daily limit within one refill. Add to that the fact that Panera’s biggest promotion is called the “Unlimited Sip Club” and you get a recipe for disaster. Panera is far from the only game in Too-Much-Caffeine town, though. In this article, we’ll take you through the proverbial Hall of Fame for over-caffeinated drinks.
Note: Putting Methods to the Madness does NOT condone overcaffeination and especially does not condone the mixture of caffeine with any other substance. These stories are provided for education and entertainment. Readers should never exceed more than 400mg of caffeine a day.
156MG
Anyone who’s taken a DARE-type class knows that you should never mix uppers and downers. One can heighten the effect of the other, leading to a positive feedback loop that only ends in a hospital room. The most common, accessible upper is caffeine, which has its downer counterpart in alcohol. In an idea that could only come from some of Ohio State’s finest, one brand dared to combine the two in one beverage, and Four Loko was born. While cocktails with both already existed, Four Loko was unique in creating a one-stop, camo-colored shop for the worst night of your life.
Cracking open a Four Loko, college students could look forward to 156mg of caffeine per drink, the same amount that is in four to six standard cola drinks. Combine that with its sweet taste and party vibe, and you have a drink that gets you intoxicated fast while masking the initial effects. As you might expect, the drink was quickly linked to incidents of alcohol poisoning and condemned by the FDA. In response, Four Loko removed the caffeine from its drinks, relegating it to be another drink that tastes like candy in a world where candy tastes bad. Yum! Perhaps the Four Loko lives on in its brother, the Vodka Red Bull, and preppy cousin, the Espresso Martini.
>1,100
If you thought there wouldn’t be a sports mention in this article, think again! In 2021, long before he had cemented himself as one of the NFL’s premier aggressive coaches, Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell gained fame as a caffeine fiend. In an interview, Campbell said that he starts his days with two venti coffees from Starbucks, each with two additional espresso shots. According to some quick math from sports reporter Joe Pompliano, that’s more than 1,100mg. Again, the FDA recommends no more than 400mg a day for adults. Then again, Dan Campbell is no ordinary adult: he’s the guy who tells you to wear a diaper before Sunday football.
200MG
There was a time when, after a few years of stardom, it seemed like Ohio-residents-turned-influencers Jake and Logan Paul would fade into obscurity. Well, no luck there. The Paul brothers still dominate social media and have become the greatest show in combat sports. Logan, in partnership with guy-you-watched-in-middle-school KSI, has even moved into the world of sports drinks. Prime provides several different drinks, but the one at issue here is Prime Energy, a caffeinated canned beverage containing 200mg of caffeine.
By itself, Prime Energy is not notable in the world of energy drinks. These drinks run the gamut from 100 to 300mg of caffeine, putting 200 squarely in the middle (although above Red Bull and some Monsters). What makes Prime concerning is its audience: children. Logan Paul and KSI are mostly viewed by children, who are advised to either avoid caffeine entirely or limit their intake to 100mg a day. While Prime contends that it follows all regulations and does not market itself to children, the fact remains that its creators do appeal chiefly to children. Combine that with bright colors and fruity flavors and you have a possible issue on your hands—at least according to critics.